Choices
“I’ve got it! I got it in the shower!! I know what it is!!”
“What?????”
“I know why you like him!!!”
“Why????”
“Because you wanna fix him!!!”
“oh… OMG! Probably!”
“You’re so much like me. I also want to fix them. You wanna fix AB because he’s a challenge and you like to fix them. W&F is not broken, but AB is and YOU.WANT.TO.FIX.HIM!!!”
“OK. Fuck off!”
See, what happened was, I asked the universe to help me. To find happiness, and love, and peace, and contentment. And guess what. The universe taught me a very very very good lesson. She taught me that to get to where I wanted to be, I had to understand a few things first.
1. The Universe always listens. Be careful what you ask for.
2. The Universe always answers. Even when you think she didn’t, she did. Look again.
3. Once you understand that, you figure out how to ask the questions.
4. Then you have to learn to let it go and live in the moment.
5. Then you begin to truly be.
6. Then she throws just a little more shit at you, just to be sure you understood her good and proper.
7. And then suddenly you are happy and at peace and purring like a Mommy-cat with contentment!
8. And then she answers your request for love.
9. And then the shit hits the not-so proverbial fan.
10. THE BEGINNING!
And you know what? That’s how it goes. I am learning Points 8 through 10 in the lesson.
Except this time she made the learning tough. Yes, because clearly THIS, THIS and THIS or even THIS weren’t hard enough, she has now brought me 2 wonderful men!! Both worthy of an awesome amount of admiration. One an educated, incredibly BRILLIANT human being. Not just in intelligence, but also in being able to put me at ease! He brings with him an awesome sense of stability and peace and makes me feel so relaxed, like the world is going to be ok as long as I can hide behind him. He feels like the perfect fit. We shall call him W&F.
And then there’s AB. Now, this one is from the old school way. More traditional, more Afrikaaner (although they are both from Afrikaans speaking families)… But he makes me laugh that the tears pour down my face and my stomach muscles hurt the next day. He has eyes that look like through you and while he is a SUPER-DUPER nice guy, there’s a bad boy in there that makes me want to crack. Not a bad boy in the way I am used to them being packaged, but he has been in his fair share of trouble. Now I know he has appeared here before and then I decided that maybe he wasn’t right for me. But he stuck around and so he has become a very real option again.
So these two appear in my life and what the hell am I supposed to do?? She answered me but in making the answer difficult, she is teaching me more. This time she is forcing me to take a long-term view of my life. I have to decide which path to walk… and I hate decisions like this. Fuck it. *sigh*
I know which one makes my insides wobble and I know which one makes me warm and fuzzy… and I need to decide if I want to have wobbly insides or be warm and fuzzy for the next chapter of my life.
“Can we try to make it a long chapter, please Universe?”
I am going to sign off now, and dream of my future being warm and fuzzy and see if I could make it long-term! 
CM
xxx
