Hot And Spicys gets a new look
Hope you like. Tough if you don’t!! But don’t get too comfortable because I am working on my very own one!
CM
x
My Muso
Hey blog.
It’s returned. I have returned. The lying in bed at 12am composing a blog post in my head ‘cos I can’t sleep thing is back. And there is a LOT to say.
There has been love found (but gone un-acknowledged), there has been love lost, there have been about 5000km’s driven, there has been a journey to the bottom of Career Road and doors that opened right when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, there are new friends. There are still old friends. There has been lots.
I want to start with my muso. Because I only intend on writing about him once, I won’t be adding him to the decode and I am not worried about whether or not he reads this, or whether or not he knows I am writing about him. I need to purge him from my system now and not allow him to unintentionally crush my heart and hopes anymore.
So. In March I meet this amazing super talented H.O.T musician. My hormones instantly go into Code Red and I declare myself fallen. Gentle, soft-spoken, good looking, talented, the list goes on. He made an effort to be my friend. He made an effort to love my children. He treated me like a precious asset. He made me feel better about me when I wasn’t doing such a good job of it. Me as a person. me as a mom, me as a friend. Me. He was just him and I got that and he got me and life was good. Plutonic, but good.
I tore myself up. I brought all my SD issues back to the surface (read about them here). I berated myself for being incapable of getting a man to want me romantically even though I seemed so good at making them love me only in friendship. I argued, cajoled and tried to convince my friends that he HAD to be the one. He was just so right.
And then. Then 2 friends sat me down and tried to convince ME that I had to walk away. “He is still in love with his ex girlfriend. They are still spending weekends together for God’s sake. DROP IT and walk away before you get hurt!!!!” But I wouldn’t listen. I was going to win him over come hell or high water. Or drunken, 11h30pm on a Saturday night sms’s.
Yes I did. Did I regret it when I woke up? Not in the least. Why not? Because I finally remembered to remember that I am not supposed to make someone a priority in my life whilst I remain only an option in theirs. And that, sadly, was all I was in his life. The last resort. The second thought. The doting and devoted drop-everything-when-you-call, be there for you friend, and that isn’t enough anymore.
Muso,
I let you go with love that you may find your path and figure out exactly where it is you are going. I cannot put myself through the pain of falling in love with you and knowing that you will never look at me in the same way. It would kill me to stand by and watch as, one day, you meet the woman of your dreams and I lose you for good.
It is time for me to put you behind me and move forward on my quest, wherever that will take me. Thank you for taking the time to get to know me well enough to know that when my world is falling down and all I need is a little comfort, that a can of baked beans and vienna’s is what I am asking for. And thank you for understanding my anxiety about turning 30 and promising to bring cases of beans. 
Thank you for the lessons you have taught me and the opportunity to impart my knowledge on you. I haven’t figured out yet why you came into my life but I am sure that one day I will reflect and I will know.
But most of all thank you for being you and allowing me to get to know you. Because you reminded me that when I apply my mind, I am very very good at caring enough about people to bother to get to know them.
Remember what you said when I told you that I have taken the time to actually really get to know the you that hides under the façade.
I love you. And I am sure that I always will carry you with me.
Normally I would print that out and have a ceremonial ritual and cleanse my soul but this time I am just going to let it go.
Because that’s what I am supposed to do. Isn’t it?
CM
xxx
I am not fat…
I am cupcake sexy, and I think I want to stay that way. Well not really. Not really at all, but this diet thing has fucked with my chemistry so much that I am day 4 and haven’t stopped crying since yesterday lunchtime.
And why? Why does set oneself up for so much misery?? So that I can lose 30kg’s before my 30th birthday? So that I can finally get some positive attention form the male species? So that my mother will leave me the hell alone and stop having a go at me about how fat I am (not that I think that will ever change, even if I was Twiggy)? So that I won’t have to wear a size 42 anymore? So that I can get back into my Matric Dance dress which actually did fit me until the birth of HF?
WHY???????? Why must I do all this to impress people? Because I have worked out that I am not doing this because I want to feel better, because it sure as fuck isn’t making me feel any better, about myself or life.
I just realised that there may be a hint of anger here. And I think I am angry. Angry at the social influences that say we have to look like those unnaturally thin wanna-be people on the front covers of magazines. Angry at every single person who has ever judged me based on my size. And angry at myself for allowing these stupid things into my psyche.
So here I am. Hungry, moody and miserable. All in the name of being “slim and sexy” for my 30th. Who decided I am not sexy right now???
CM
xxx